Spinning Thoughts & Tales ~

…thinking clearly…

…two weeks and counting…

I am always looking for signs of mental decline when I visit Mama.  A month ago, there was a slight hitch in the thinking.  The staff says it is dementia.  I tend to think of it as a repeating paranoia.  Mom has not had an “episode”  in at least three months, as the powers-that-be say.  A paranoid thinking that someone is coming to take her away or kill her is a reoccurring theme which stems back to a very real incident in mother’s life.  As a young married woman with a wee babe, her first husband had a very serious mental breakdown and told her he was going to kill her and their baby daughter.  I think this is one of the most horrendous moments in her life.  Mother took their first-born, my older sister, (remember I am the eldest of the second marriage), and ran to the neighbours, lifetime family friends, living on the next homestead. 

This one incident was so defining, it has haunted mother for the rest of her entire adult life, an overwhelming fear which pops up time and again.  That moment has affected her level of trust in people and to this day she has never truly gotten over it.  That moment pops up, cycling through time and every relationship, manifesting in the lack of trust in others.  Mother is always on guard for the other shoe to drop, that it will  never be safe, that there is always someone or some rule which will cause her security to fall out from under her feet.  I have learned to keep mother safe by being there for her, at all costs.  Yes, there is a tremendous amount of time and  cost involved in taking care of mom.  Is it worth it?  Yes!

 I find that talking while touching her, rubbing lotion on her hands, cream on her face,  holding her hand, giving her many hugs and kisses on the forehead or cheek, ground her with security.  I hope it reinforces that someone is there for her.  I am there and I will fight for her, to the death, if necessary.  Last night I was putting all her clean clothes in the closet, including the summer dresses.  She could see there were a lot of clothes hanging up.  Mom said, “You don’t have to come back for a long time now.”  It was so sad to realize that she felt I would not have to come back the next day, that I was just visiting out of duty, not from love and concern for her.  I try to visit every day or every other day, depending on the work load.  I am not getting the creative writing done and you know what, so what.  I am thinking of scenes and setting and dialogue and mood.  When I get to sit down, it should just flow, right?  Here is hoping.

Stay warm.  Stay loved and most of all stay safe.  Cheers.


Comments on: "…thinking clearly…" (3)

  1. Barbara said:

    What a fascinating story about your mom so many years ago. How you continue to keep her in today’s life, the many ways you comfort her and reassure her of your love and care for her. I know it takes a lot of your time, you just need 36 hour days. In her heart she knows how much you love her and enjoy doing so much for her. Carol, I was given nothing in the care for my mother, she didn’t need me or want me. In so many ways you are so blessed to have her to care for. Lisa spend some time with my mom, like a duty and she made Mom give her money for gas or for time spent closing her apartment. There was no love exchanged between the two of them…….. such a loss for them both.

    You and your mom are both Treasures !

    PS….your tidy thief story is great reading!

    • Barb ~ thank you. Busy-ness has taken over and I don’t email as much any more. Love to you.
      I understand Lisa’s heart. As one who has travelled to other cities to help relatives, it takes a toll on the gas budget. Lisa was there when your mom asked.

  2. Barbara said:

    Sometimes I see my Mom in Lisa. They are the center of their own lives. Mom never appreciated what a lovely person Pam is, and she couldn’t manage any thoughts of Jesse as he was “different”. She never could understand how or why I led my own life !! She and I were so different, in our wishes, goals, thoughts and friends. Now that we are praying for the move to Washington state, she would be floored. My precious grandmother would and will be cheering.

    Big day today. I seem to choose the month of June for these surgeries. Knee on June 20, back on the 1st and now today. I sure ran out of choices for my shoulder. I don’t think it could get any more painful. Very soon that will be behind me !!!!! : -) lots of smiles !!! and cheers.

    Have a good day today and a grand week and a wonderful life !

    Love to you,

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