Life is not fair. I know it. You know it. Most people know it. Sometimes it is never-ending. It never gives an inch, just keeps spiraling out. Seriously. Can we get a break here! What lesson am I suppose to learning now, because I’ve been down this road before.
It is supposed to be the season of good-will. Right? It is supposed to be a time for miracles. Right? And, no, I am not living in the land of denial where everything is glittery and wonderful and healthy and minds are clear and a never-ending supply of cash to live without worry. Life is hard and not fair, especially at the end.
Mother’s mind has cycled into the land of uncertainty, again. I am not her daughter, again. The Big Guy is dead, again. All her money is gone, again. Now for a new twist, apparently the Finns are coming and she is not going. She has told them, loudly and very clearly. “I said, I am not going.” Why the Finnish people are coming for her is a mystery. We don’t know any Finnish people.
I am a logical and practical person, perhaps too linear at times. Something must have triggered this episode. Asking questions will not get an answer. Only more uncertainty except for the Finns coming. Lorna wondered if Mom is seeing angels in a vision. I don’t know. Maybe. All I know is Mom has an extremely strong will. Last week was the Christmas Tea Party. She is fine outside of her room, inside the room, it is a different story. So…what is it in the room, unseen, but an influence on her mind? Or…is it just dementia?
All I know, is, this is not fair. This is not where she wanted to be. It is not supposed to end like this.
Yes, I know many people are going through the same thing, have gone through even worse situations watching parents fade into gray. Yes, I am being the Bitch Queen with a temper tantrum. So… Enough!
Mom has lived a long life, 95 on Thursday. She did say she was going to die when she was 95. So isn’t it time for her to her receive her rest, to go home, to see her family who’ve gone on before her? Is someone praying for Mom to live, because, that is a selfish prayer, especially if one does not visit, or visits once a year, if, Mom is lucky. Seriously…she sits in a wheelchair all day long, bored, blind, and fearful. I believe one can pray for death, an end, others absolutely disagree with me and think I am selfish. Hah. If others want a discussion on being selfish, I am up for it. It will not be pretty.
Okay, not a sweet and loving blog today. It is my blog. I can write anything I want. I can be mean-spirited. I can be angry. I can be loving. I am in mourning, again, for the strong woman mother was.
This is the thing…this long dance of death is a killer. It saps every ounce of inner strength.
In need of a refill today from the well of strength and more patience, too. I need to have a good old cry. Three weeks ago, Mom was fine, sarcastic, witty, and loving. I mourn for my mother, again.
Stay safe, warm, and loved.