Spinning Thoughts & Tales ~

It is not fair.

Life is not fair.  I know it. You know it. Most people know it.   Sometimes it is never-ending.  It never gives an inch, just keeps spiraling out.  Seriously.  Can we get a break here!  What lesson am I suppose to learning now, because I’ve been down this road before.

It is supposed to be the season of good-will. Right? It is supposed to be a time for miracles. Right? And, no, I am not living in the land of denial where everything is glittery and wonderful and healthy and minds are clear and a never-ending supply of cash to live without worry.  Life is hard and not fair, especially at the end. 

Mother’s mind has cycled into the land of uncertainty, again.  I am not her daughter, again.  The Big Guy is dead, again.  All her money is gone, again.  Now for a new twist, apparently the Finns are coming and she is not going.  She has told them, loudly and very clearly.  “I said, I am not going.”  Why the Finnish people are coming for her is a mystery.  We don’t know any Finnish people. 

I am a logical and practical person, perhaps too linear at times.  Something must have triggered this episode.  Asking questions will not get an answer.  Only more uncertainty except for the Finns coming.  Lorna wondered if Mom is seeing angels in a vision.  I don’t know.  Maybe. All I know is Mom has an extremely strong will.  Last week was the Christmas Tea Party.  She is fine outside of her room, inside the room, it is a different story.  So…what is it in the room, unseen, but an influence on her mind?  Or…is it just dementia? 

All I know, is, this is not fair.   This is not where she wanted to be.  It is not supposed to end like this.

Yes, I know many people are going through the same thing, have gone through even worse situations watching parents fade into gray.  Yes, I am being the Bitch Queen with a temper tantrum. So… Enough!

Mom has lived a long life, 95 on Thursday.  She did say she was going to die when she was 95.  So isn’t it time for her to her receive her rest, to go home, to see her family who’ve gone on before her?   Is someone praying for Mom to live, because, that is a selfish prayer, especially if one does not visit, or visits once a year, if, Mom is lucky.   Seriously…she sits in a wheelchair all day long, bored, blind, and fearful.  I believe one can pray for death, an end, others absolutely disagree with me and think I am selfish.  Hah. If others want a discussion on being selfish, I am up for it.  It will not be pretty. 

Okay, not a sweet and loving blog today.  It is my blog. I can write anything I want.  I can be mean-spirited.  I can be angry.  I can be loving.  I am in mourning, again, for the strong woman mother was. 

 This is the thing…this long dance of death is a killer.  It saps every ounce of inner strength.  

In need of a refill today from the well of strength and more patience, too.  I need to have a good old cry.  Three weeks ago, Mom was fine, sarcastic, witty, and loving.  I mourn for my mother, again. 

She is in there…somewhere

Stay safe, warm, and loved.

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Comments on: "It is not fair." (10)

  1. Prayers and love to you.

    She does not deserve to suffer so, and neither do you.

    Not to sound condescending, and I don’t know crap about psychology but this worked when my grandma was having delusions that devils were coming after her in the hospital. I killed them. I said, I saw him come in and I killed him. Look, he is gone.

    My aunt the nurse said that by acknowledging that demons were in the room I was just making things worse but, RN or not, she ain’t the one who got rid of the damn things. I am. Also the anti-emetic Phenargen turned out to be causing the delusions fyi.

    I wish you peace, and relief for your mom in whatever form it may come.

    • Thanks Lora. Hm, I will try that. I like that very much.

      There is something she keeps looking at over her shoulder, not that she can see it, but, it is very real to her. I acknowledge it by binding the thing up and sending it on it’s way, and loosing safety and peace to her. Sort of like the scene where one of the character’s says, “Let’s clean house.” It is what it is. Again, the time thing, isn’t it. Thank you for caring.

  2. lilacacres said:

    Oh Carol – sending calming thoughts and prayers of release for you both…..you are such a good daughter. I loved meeting your mom last year.

    Hugs to you,

    Pam

    • Thanks, Pam. I’m glad you were able to meet Mom. My visit today, well, I am a false Carol, again. By the end, I was the real daughter. Good hugs.

  3. Heavens. Coping, such a difficult skill. Do ask about a meds change, say three, four weeks ago. Maybe burn a bit of dried sage, explain it’s for room-cleansing.

    You’re being clear-eyed about the situation, which will help you out later if not sooner. Meanwhile, I’ll close my eyes tight, concentrate, and send thoughts of strength out to you —

    • Thank you, Thea. I appreciate your good wishes. You must be Betty!
      No change in meds. I have been here before. It is disconcerting when she was doing so well. I was reminded of warfare prayer. Room & doorposts done. So…will see how she is tomorrow. I will spent the day doing paperwork, listening to books on tape, and chicken pot pie. If tomorrow is Mom’s last birthday, she will not be alone.

  4. Mean-spirited? Not at all. Angry? You bet, and you have every right to be. Praying for the final release is wrong? Says who? And what the hell do they know? I send my love and blessings to you both (and to your Mr and kids as well). May you all have joy and freedom, in what ever form that takes right now.
    Julie

    • Well, Julie, I can be mean one when I get angry. Thanks for the love and blessings. Appreciated. There are so many adult children taking care of parents and loved ones in care homes, it just gets very tiring, especially as I cannot fix it or change it. Filled up with love from spiritual daughters last night. Thanks, again.

  5. Oh, honey, you are definitely not alone. Nor are you selfish. It is not selfish to pray for whatever it is you need and for what you know she wanted.

    Strength and love and hugs and peace to you both.

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