Spinning Thoughts & Tales ~

3-Flag Day

On the north shore of Oahu, the lifeguards patrol the beach early in the morning, watch the waves and decide how safe the beach is for the day.  One flag, two flags, or three flags.  It became a game for me to watch the waves, decide how many flags would be planted in the sand and see if I was right.  I got pretty good at it.  I was blessed, fortunate, lucky, what ever you may call it to spend the month of February in Hawaii last year.  I had never done that before, spend a month on the beach, well 24 days, so technically not a month, but,  close enough.  I want to run away. Go back to the beach, sit down and watch the ocean.  I want to not think about the stuff, this dance I call “Life-at-the-moment.”  I cannot change partners mid-way through this dance.  I am here for the duration. 

And, how do a dance and a three flag day fit together…I’m getting there.

Watching mother progress down the abyss of dementia is hell.  So…I put a pretty tag on it and call it a dance.  It sounds much better than the slow walk into darkness and death, doesn’t it.  Or I could call it a 3-Flag Day.  The waves are high, crashing on the beach, the undertow will drag you out, pull you under, kill you, spit your body back up onto the beach, with sand up every crevice, and leave you there to bake in the sun kind of day.   So, don’t go in the water. 

See ~

3-Flags Days warn of danger if you get too close to the edge and step into the water.  Watching mother is like standing on the edge.  I am no longer my mother’s child.  I am not someone she knows.  My voice is foreign to her.  She seems to be afraid of me and will not let me brush her hair or feed her sweets.  Mother calls for the nursing staff when I come into the room.  So… I will just stay by the water’s edge. 

I can do this, except…it hurts.  In my fifty-something mind I know this is life.  In my little six-year-old mind, it is abandonment and it is not fair.  I must set my face like flint and watch her slowly sink into fear and darkness. The change in meds does not seem to have helped or she has had a small stroke or any number of reasons which need to be investigated.  But, will they?  She is 95.  The protocol may be just to make her comfortable.

Geri and I were talking about the saying, “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger” to which we both said, “bullshit.”  I love what Geri said, “I have enough character, I don’t need this to make me stronger” or something like that.  I am definitely “the glass is half empty and draining fast” kind of woman this week.   I need to rest my head on my God’s chest and hear his heartbeat.  There I will find strength for my spirit.  Resting my head on my Big Guy’s chest and drawing on his strength, helps too.   So…off to fill up my glass and face the day.  A bit of a downer today, but, that’s life, carry on.

Stay warm, loved and safe from harm’s way. 

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Comments on: "3-Flag Day" (4)

  1. Stormy (a.k.a. Bacon Sex Betty) said:

    *pauses a moment to send you ginormous mental FGBVs*

    I think today is “that’s life” day. I read about it this morning on Lucy’s blog. And now here. And then, I wrote a heartfelt email to someone admitting my own faults – and reminding them that “this is where I am…right now…and that’s life”.

    I had to sit and read your post over and over and over before I could even think to respond. I doubt I’ll do a good job of it, but I had to say *something*. It is unfathomable what you are going through. It is even moreso to think of what your mom’s going through. To have that complete disconnection. I cannot believe that somewhere inside, she really knows what’s going on – and is mentally kicking herself.

    Your devotion is inspirational. No, you’re not superwoman (well, maybe some days you are *smiles*). But on days like today you recognize life, and still stand to refill your glass and face the day.

    *bunches of glitter sparklies*

    • Thanks, Stormy. I appreciate your thoughts and concern. It is difficult. Also, I am not the only person who has had to walk down this road. So…time to get on with it, it is life. I am hoping mother does not have to endure much more of this indignity.

      Thank you again, thinking of you and a booklist for you.

  2. Yes, this is life, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I’m so glad you have a friend and your Big Guy to lean on. I don’t know if it will help, but I’ll send virtual hugs anyway.

  3. Nothing more I can add. You have my love and blessings as well. (And and a very thankful e-mail tonight.) We take our re-charges and re-fillings where we can get them, and where they are most comfortable for us. You have that, you have the resources you need to keep you moving forward. We toss ours into the mix.
    Wanna know something ELSE we have in common? I have a (very old) picture (around here somewhere) of North Shore Beach. It shows the sign that says “beware, dangerous waves and under-tow” in the foreground (this was before the flag system), but behind it the ocean is flat as a pancake, smooth as glass. I went there to surf that day, and there were NO waves in sight!
    Oooh, that’s kinda prophetic now that I think about it. Some days, there are no crashing waves!
    Be Well,
    Julie

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